...and then there was YOU! ♥ (part two)

Norah's Birth Story: Part-Two

We got home, and my mom, Nana, had everything clean and smelling so nice! Nana Marshall and Nana Freeman made a welcome home sign for Norah Jayne and there were balloons and everything. 

I look a bit loopy in this picture... I was on pain medication. ☺

We introduced Norah to her new room. 

Girl talk...

She was all cheeks when she was first born. ♥

Now comes the less pleasant part of the story...

The point of me sharing any of this is because I desire to be authentic. Confession: I have a bad habit of glossing over things or minimizing experiences that have been painful so that I can more easily sweep them under the rug... and forget they ever happened.  I don't like the mess. I don't like the ugliness. God forbid that anyone KNOW I am not perfect... ha.ha.

But this story of Norah's birth and the things that I (a new momma) have experienced this first year are important and I don't want to write words here that paint a picture that isn’t accurate to what really happened or how I was really feeling. 

I just keep thinking that Norah will some day, by God's grace, have children of her own; she may struggle with some of the things I struggled with- I HOPE and PRAY not, but you never know.  My hope is that she will know my story and know that she is not alone. Perhaps someone reading this needs to know they are not alone.

The gut honest truth is- we all want to know that we aren't alone. There is tremendous comfort in that knowledge. 

So here goes...
The first week home with Norah I think I was in a fog. Every little cry sent me reeling with indecision. Should I pick her up, should I not? Should I rock her, should I not? Was she hungry? Was she in pain? I was exhausted, but I couldn't rest because I was totally on edge and full of worry. 


We were trying the Babywise method and I was torn because my instincts were to run to her whenever she cried; yet, I felt like if I did that I would "ruin" what we wanted to accomplish through using the Babywise method. My sister was such a big help during those times of confusion. She helped me navigate those murky waters.

Note: The Babywise method is a great tool, and though by no means is it the Holy Grail of child rearing technique, it does work. 


Second Note: It is best to throw the schedule out the window the first couple of weeks and just roll with it. 

Speaking of being helpful, my mother stayed with us the week before I gave birth and the week after. She was a big help around the house doing laundry and cooking and cleaning. I don't know what we would have done without her help. 

My husband joked that before a dirty towel could hit the laundry basket, mom had it washed and folded! That's just mom.

I have to confess... during my first week home I was tired, sore and I was having a lot of trouble breastfeeding which led to mucho frustration. To put it mildly, I was hormonal and not very pleasant to be around. But mom stuck it out and for that she should be commended.

L.O.N.G. before that first week was out it was becoming all too clear that life WAS in transition. Things WERE changing. Life would NEVER be the  same. 


There are few things that those who know me well - or too well - know about me. However, you may not know these things, so I'll just put 'em out there.

• I don't deal with change very well.
• I tend to be a pessimist, downer, killjoy, and prophetess of doom all rolled into one major party pooper.
• I like to feel like (or at least THINK) I have control.
• I have major body image issues.
• I struggle with never feeling good enough.

As you can probably imagine, having just given birth to my first born, I was faced with all of these "issues" at one time and I was NOT coping well.


Here are a few words that kind of sum up the next few months...

Exhaustion

Love

Tears

Sadness

Fear

Confusion

Joy

Failure

Guilt

Anger

Transition

Laughter

Tears

Ingratitude

Weakness

Tears

Frustration

Wonder

Anxiety
Panic Attacks

Tears

Darkness

Postpartum Depression

Prozac

Weight gain

Tears

Self-pity

Each of these words has a story. Some too painful to think about, let alone write out in excruciating detail. So I won't. I don't think I need to. I think you get it.

Please do not misunderstand- I never for one moment wished Norah away. 

But.


I did question my capability to be a good mother.

I did doubt that God knew what He was doing.

I did fear that I would somehow mess Norah up.

I did have uncertainty as to how we would be able to financially "make it."

I did wonder if I would ever feel normal again.

I did struggle with the changes in my body.

I did feel like a total failure on most days.

The negative self-talk and negative thoughts were overwhelming! 

I had so much "noise" in my mind- it was constant. Deafening.  Like a staticky radio station going at full volume. It was hard to think rationally let alone pray. 
I just held Norah and cried- A LOT.

I was a mess.

God saw and had compassion on me.

One way that I was able to find help was by seeking professional, Christian counsel. 

It *just so happens* that my husband works for a school that offers free/ low cost counseling for employees and their families. Of course, I was intimidated and embarrassed to talk to a counselor. I felt stigmatized. 

However,  I was desperate so I made the call and set up an appointment. Let me say this: of any of the benefits that GBS has to offer its employees, this is by far the greatest. 

Another way God showed his compassion for me was  by leading me across the blog of Marianne Brown who *just happened* to  be sharing about her recent struggles and victories. She mentioned that she was using a program by Jim Berg, called "Quieting a Noisy Soul"  and after asking her a few questions and talking to Kirk, I decided to purchase it. I am so glad that I did. 

The two major truths I (re)learned from this program were (taken straight from the book)-

God is always good- always. 

Which means:

• He will always meet my genuine needs- always!
• He will always forgive my sin- always!
• He is always up to something good in my life- always!
• He will always love me personally- always!
• He will always give me the grace I need- always!

God is always great- always.

Which means:

• He is always in control of ALL things- always!
• He is always present with me- always!
• He is always the same- always!
• He is always trustworthy- always!
• He is always wise in what He does- always!

The program also gives Scriptures for you to memorize that back up each of these truths. 

Never a bad idea to memorize scripture, right? 

Right. 

The objective is to know these truths so well that you are able to test every "stray thought" by them. Remember all the noise in my mind that I spoke of earlier?

Having the Truth as a filter for all my thoughts (aka: noise) sure made things a lot quieter.

I could think clearly. It was easier spot the lies and the irrational thinking. God's Word is powerful.

Even today... 

When I wonder, "What is God thinking giving me this little person to raise?"  
I remember that God is always up to something good in my life- always! And, He is always wise in what He does- always!

When I am paralyzed by fear or struggle with panic, I remember: He will always meet my genuine needs- always! He will always give me the grace I need- always! He is always in control of ALL things- always!

Truly, Norah is a blessing! 

Sure she brought dreaded "change" into my life, her arrival stirred the pot of my stagnant existence. Her arrival was the impetus that forced me to admit that I can not - try as I may - control everything in my glossy *good and perfect* world. 

Folks, that may seem like a small thing, but the compulsive need to control can lead to some terrifying places. 

And so here I am a year later. 
Still haven't lost the baby weight. 
Still mourning the loss of my glorious shoe collection due to a whole shoe size increase. 
Still me. 
But I am thankful. I am finding joy in midst.
It isn't that I've got it all figured out. I definitely do not.

It has been a YEAR and there are still a lot of  issues I am working through... 

The difference between now and before is that I AM working on them. 
I am striving to be authentic.  
I am working on replacing negative core beliefs with positive core beliefs.

I am no longer sweeping the "uglies" under the rug and pretending that everything is fine.

I am learning that God is GOOD no matter what and that I am good enough. 
I am learning that ALL things come from His hand and in EVERYTHING I am compelled to give thanks. 

I am not just working on me for... me. I am doing it for Norah too. Why?

Little Eyes Upon You

There are little eyes upon you
and they're watching night and day.
There are little ears that quickly
take in every word you say.
There are little hands all eager
to do anything you do;
And a little girl who's dreaming
of the day she'll be like you.

You're the little angel's idol,
you're the wisest of the wise.
In her little mind about you
no suspicions ever rise.
She believes in you devoutly,
holds all you say and do;
She will say and do, in your way
when she's grown up just like you.

There's a wide-eyed little girl
who believes you're always right;
and her eyes are always opened,
and she watches day and night.
You are setting an example
every day in all you do;
For the little girl who's waiting
to grow up to be like you.

Author Unknown

...I can't afford NOT to.

Think On These Things...

Psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd,

         I shall not want.     

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

         He leads me beside quiet waters.

    He restores my soul;         

He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake.

    Even though I walk through the valley

of the shadow of death, 

I fear no evil, for You are with me;         

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

    You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

         You have anointed my head with oil;

My cup overflows.

    Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,

         And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Amen,

I've been thinking about Thanksgiving...

and gratitude. It is THAT time of year...



I really love the song Gratitude by Nicole Nordeman, so I decided to see if I could get the lyrics online- and what do you know... I found a video too!

I wanted to share it with you.

I just cry every time I see this slide show- but it is a good reminder that we are living in a world full of broken, hurting, THIRSTY people.
It is overwhelming.

Sometimes we wonder how can God stand to see His creation in such turmoil- how can it be that so many people in the world today are suffering unimaginable atrocities:

-The genocide in Darfur.



-The abortion of millions of innocent babies in America and all over the world.



-The orphans in Russia- over 100,000 children abandoned by their parents each year. "Social orphans" because parents either can't afford to take care of them- or have abandoned them because of alcoholism or prostitution. And when these Russian children grow up and leave the orphanages, many are totally unprepared to face life- they are left homeless, become dependent on drugs and alcohol-and so the cycle continues.

Many commit suicide.

There are orphans in many other countries with a similar story.



-The war in Iraq- 4,200 confirmed deaths so far and counting. Families are suffering. Husbands, wives, and children are feeling the loss. No matter how you personally feel about this war- you have to acknowledge that the cost of war is dear.



The world is in chaos.

People are losing their faith.

A friend of ours sat and talked with us for hours about how they just COULD NOT believe in God.

No Heaven.

No Hell.

They said the God they grew up learning about couldn't possibly allow these things to go on- let alone let some one burn eternally in a pit of fire just because they didn't "accept Christ as their personal Saviour."

I can still hear the disgust- the disappointment.

I've been there.

I never truly believed the lies, but I've heard the whispers-

I've been there.

I feel like I can relate to this friend's feelings.

The difference is, I have to believe that God- the God I grew up learning about- does not want these things to happen- I can not believe that He created mankind just so that He could watch them systematically destroy themselves.

God created man to worship Him- He created free moral agents.

What good is worship and adoration if it is forced or coerced?



Man took the reigns...we fell.

I have to believe that the turmoil of mankind is of his own doing-
and yes, as a result, the innocent do suffer.



But God didn't "throw in the towel" and turn His back on us.

He showed His love for us- His care- His concern-by making a WAY for us

to come back to Him.

I have to believe that when He sent Jesus, He sent us HOPE.

His cross made it possible for us to choose a different path.

It all comes down to that.

Free will.

The choices we make effect more lives than our own.

We have the freedom to choose Christ- to accept His leadership in our lives, and to accept the change He will make in our lives when we live to please Him.



No matter what the political atmosphere,

no matter if the law of man forbids it-

in my heart, my mind, and my will- I still can choose God.

What is there to gain? Everything that is important.

What is there to lose? Despair.



This is why I am thankful.





Gratitude
Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain
Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead
And if we never taste that bread
Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need
So grant us peace,
Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . . .

Sunday Morning Cartoons...

I just happened to run across this on God Tube- it is not only really good animation, it has a message- hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Wasted Time

Time. It does not slow or speed up. The moments just march by unaffected by triumph or tragedy. I was thinking about how time goes by- sometimes it seems like a minute takes an hour and sometimes it feels like a year passes in a single moment. Funny.

I know this thought has crossed many minds- how many times have I heard someone say- "wow, time really flies... where did the day/week/year go?"

Sometimes I find that I try to rush the day along. The moments seem too long. I feel like I am walking in mud up to my waist. Slow motion.

Sometimes I wake up and find that I am already behind in this race called "my day". One moment slips into another. I walk out the door with my cup of coffee, greet the morning, and it seems in the next instant dusk is settling and I am walking back through the front door- day worn and ready for sleep. Where did it go?

When I was seven I wanted to be ten, and when I turned fourteen, I couldn't wait to be sixteen. I wished the time between Christmas, birthday, and summer vacation would hurry on by. When school was in session, I couldn't wait for summer vacation. When Summer days got too long and hot I wished for Winter and snow. Of course, I spent as much time growing up as every other child ever has, but I sometimes wonder... why did I wish those days away? I am not sure who said it, but this seems to be the appropriate to say, "Youth is wasted on the young..."

No matter who we are, no matter what economical or social class we may fall into- we all have the same amount of time in a given day. And though I have no control over the rate that time passes, I do know that God wants me to use my time to glorify Him. We are told in Ephesians to redeem the time (5:15-16), to use the time we have wisely by not letting the distractions of earth pilfer it away. Someone said that a life spent in sin is a wasted life. A life that is spent preparing for eternity is an invested life, a rich life.

Now, instead of regretting rushing through childhood, or despising moments of boredom, I mourn the time I wasted and lost forever because of my sinful heart.

That is dark.

However, I want to end on a positive note- Christians are not hopeless. We do not have to live in regret and shame. God restores the soul (Ps. 23:3), and He gives beauty for ashes (Isa. 61:3).

Ephesians 5:15-16 See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, 16 redeeming the time, because the days are evil.

Isa 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

Psalms 23:3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Faithful One

The following two songs are samples from a recording of my cousin, Rebecca.

She, her husband, and children are currently living "abroad" working through World Hope International which is a faith based relief and development organization that strives to alleviate suffering and injustice through education, enterprise and community health.

Her husband teaches English, and Rebecca has a ministry among the women...it is a very tense situation living where they do... but God has led them to this place, and He is FAITHFUL. Please remember them in your prayers.

If you are interested in supporting their ministry by purchasing the entire CD, contact me and I will direct you to someone who can help you do this. 100% of proceeds go to their ministry.

Enjoy!

Song #1: Faithful One

Song #2: San Dunyaya

(FOR BEST RESULTS, PAUSE BLOG MUSIC BEFORE STARTING...)

Psalms 46:1-3 God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

Psalms 18:2 The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Psalms 27:14 Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in me your may have peace. In this world you
will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

Josua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:5 As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.

Psalm 18:2 The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn on my salvation, my stronghold.

Proverbs 3:5,6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight.

Lamentations 3:22, 23 Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Hebrew 10:23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is
faithful.

Preparing for Christmas...

The tree has been decorated; the stockings have been hung...

This year's ornament is displayed front and center.

The annual portrait in front of the tree has been shot.

Merry CHRISTmas!

For there is born to you this day in the city of David a
Savior, who is Christ the Lord... Glory to
God in the Highest, And on earth peace, goodwill toward
men!

Luke 2:11 & 14